What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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