Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
