I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
