You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
