What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
