I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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