I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
