Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm too high and old for this...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
