Moan for me like Helen Keller
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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