I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
