I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
