Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
