I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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