You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
