i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
