can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
