Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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