How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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