Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
