At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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