Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The best revenge is premature balding
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
