Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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