6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
