my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize