I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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