Say something about gay babies.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
