fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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