I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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