I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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