her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
