i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
