the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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