the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
