i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
