Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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