Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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