Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
