Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
