the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
