so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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