just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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