The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
