i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
