This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
