he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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