The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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