I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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