What did we do last night that was yellow?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
