I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
