I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
