I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
