i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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