im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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