help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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