So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
3pm strippers are depressing
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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