take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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