i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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