I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
